Back? (Or not?)

It's been so long.

Whether I am back to blogging or not, it depends. It can well be a rush of energy for the moment.

But right now, all I really know is that, I am bored -_-;;

Well, work's fun, but sometimes, it doesn't seem happening at my side. Or I must be a plain boring person to be with. Meh, why am I putting myself down. It can get lonely here when you are new, but then, I've been through worse times before. Here, life is considered pretty good.

So, what's happening now? My position in life right now is at nowhere out of the sea. Waiting for the results all over again. Waiting to take the next step.

Just like the many retakers this year. I never expected a mini-alumni gathering at the examination centre.

It's like an over-extended holiday from SARS. It's worrying me. I feel slightly cut-off from the happening side from friends who are at university. How can someone understand uni life when he/she is not in it? Well, will try anyway...

May God see me through this uncertain period of time.

Aug 25th Japanese Summer Festival

Back from the dead! Well, here are some videos that I took of the event at Japanese Primary School today. Gonna put here for the record and also sending it to friends too.

http://www.youtube.com/view_play_list?p=65BE4BDBCE9BF284

As for the pictures:

Direct: http://share.click2down.com/uploads/festzip.zip

Indirect: http://share.click2down.com/files/festzip.zip

Too lazy to upload them one by one haha.

Thanks to Yuki (who invited us to the event) and both Ella and him for being with me ^^

Stressed

I feel like shutting myself out from the world. Stressed over things that are beyond anyone's control.

Not that no one understands, but it is truly difficult to get any help for things.

Time will heal all wounds. I just need the space.

Conceited-ness or ?

Well, was mulling over a bit of a conversation today about a display of certain kinds of attitude on personal blogs.

I wonder if it is the blogger or the supporters/haters to be pitied or to be hated.

Come to think of it, I do find it a little tad bit embarassing that I'm putting forth my thoughts on my blog like this. However, it is harmless, right people?

Maybe it is the kind of "conservative-ness" that Singapore has that prevents the majority of us from showing out our affections too openly. I prefer to think of it as being polite though.

Mushroom is coming down. Blog later.

The Road to Coming to Terms: Part I

I guess I am extremely lucky to have Plan B still. I am also heartened by the encouragement from friends. Those who know me, told me to stick to Plan B. Though who don't really, told me to go for Plan A appeal. (I get the best of both worlds huh? Nice. Thanks people!)

I love the irony somewhat, because if everyone told me to go for Plan B, I would feel like crap, and if everyone told me to go for Plan A, I would be quite worried about not being realistic.

How on earth do you expect to balance everything easily without a piece of each other? With something else? Might work, but it depends huh? There's some sort of balance in everything.

Things will work out somehow.

Didn't make it

Just sent in the appeal, which is going to be the final attempt. I am slightly distressed over this matter, because it feels that fate has once again been making a big mistake. I'm really going to pray hard for things to go right and back to track.

I am fed up with being tossed a letter like that. Come on, who wouldn't be? It's sickening. Now it is raining. On results day, the sky pelted rain down to earth. Yes rainy days are my favourite weather, but can't we just have a good sunny day for anything?

It is such decisions that sometimes make life so difficult. "Difficult decision". Ha. "Record number", come on, so there are no extension of spaces? I'm also mightily surprised that those people getting D7 grades for GP are also having trouble getting a place in University at this point of time.

I'm just one damn unlucky and badly screwed individual. Where is my golden pot of luck?

Boredom reigns in

I am bored.
No news is horrible news.
Life ticks by slower than ever.

Oh yea, now I also realised that appeals start in 2 days time.
With no news, I can do nothing about it.
Sheez.

No news = terrible news

Well...I really don't know what to make of it, but it has been already 8 days since those (first and only batch of) JC letters got out.

All the JC people get either acceptance letter(s) for something(s) or no letter so far, I think.

I haven't got any letter yet. There's nothing to be proud of, because this feels like bad news in either of a few ways.

1) I'm placed on the "outright rejected" list due to grades.
2) I'm place on the "outright rejected" list due to a badly-presented portfolio, a lack of potential in their opinion, or a vision they do not share.
3) I am on a waiting list, but there are clashes to disallow/allow me in...
4) I am on a waiting list, since places are filled. (Sigh to be considered for the leftover space...anything...)
5) They haven't processed my damn portfolio yet because I sent it in on the last day. (Very likely because Mew also hasn't gotten any news from them yet)
6) My CD was corrupted/lost/broken/mishandled. (But I sent in 3 CDs o_O)

I feel rather ignored. I called NTU admission people up, all they would say that merit (of results) plays no role in whether your application gets processed first or not. The person also said that results are released in batches, and all letters would be sent out by end of this month.

All I can think of is that the further this drags on, the slimmer the chances would be for anyone else (including me) to get in, unless they expand their spaces this year. Is that even possible? Possibly, since there was one last batch. Yet, would such a place be able to handle the increasing student load to allow for such?

I have this feeling that placement of choices play a role to some certain extent this year. Heard someone with AAB C6 got rejected for NTU Biz...but that was Jigglyn's grade...I am guessing that maybe her past CCA (Entrepreneurship club I think) helped somewhat.

Yet, I placed the first 3 choices for that certain school, and still no news? This doesn't bode well.

Ok, even of this stupid letter stuff. I feel overwhelmed. I should make a story of it one day. Anyway, revision is going fine. Gotta brush up on everything.

Blogger is being a moron

Seriously, the whole posting template and the dashboard is screwed.

I am thinking of migration to Livejournal but I really liked the customisation features of Blogger when it was fine.

Now when are they going to fix it? It has been 3 good days already! I swear I am not the only one, though Mew doesn't seem to have this problem, and Mushy's Blog seems not as badly affected as mine (Though it was clear there was something screwed up on his page).

---

It is Monday already and there is no email/letter yet. I feel pretty anxious somewhat. I mean, yes, my grades sucks, the portfolio I submitted in is not quite of standard, but I did put in my potential in it.

Or is it because I screwed up my faculty test story?

Oh well. Guessing never really helps me very much anyway, unless I am on the right track.

I really don't know. One side of me wants to be in it, the other side thinks I am not ready. But hey, come to think of it, I never had been ready for so many things, but I still got through them ok. Also, I never really realised it until a latest outing, when I suddenly realised how fast time goes that we are just a few years to not being a teenager anymore. The thought of it scares me somewhat - in addition to the notion of how precious time is and how we need to grasp it to do the things we need to do.

For some people, this means perfection towards being an all-rounded. For me, I've been advised by a lot of people, as well as my higher self, to go with what I feel I need to do.

Ah, the angst of growing up. Some of us do mature faster and go with the flow, or even faster than normal, but some of us, I guess our souls feel pretty young compared to the time we have gone through.

Things will work out though. I'd be interested in seeing how they will.

New CG Artwork!

And so, after the drought AKA drawing/artist block, I am back at it again! My first CG artwork in 1-2 months!

It is actually an experimental artwork done on Artrage, some painting canvas software that Yanying introduced. It has a simple, no-nonsense, user-friendly interface. I did use quite a lot of (Ctrl + Z), but there was absolutely no dropper, had to find the right colours whenever I felt like adding on.

Think I should practice more to be precise huh? The real medium doesn't really offer the luxury of trial-and-error unless you aren't painting a serious artwork.

Still, digital can never make it up for the art of mixing up the colours to find the right blend for your work.And to leave your artwork out to dry is not possible with digital.Now is that a pro or a con? oO

I like the colours I used, though I know the artwork is kind of sucky. Drawn from idealism. I really need to study more on faces and people to get better. I know not everyone has such fair skin and smooth features like that.

But I also have my Bio/Chem/Maths studies to handle at the moment!!! X_x I am in serious need of focus, but I'm torn.

---

Twiggy got into NTU Mathematical Sciences! I am happy for her. Well, know she wanted business but at least now she secured a place there.

Jigglyn got into NTU Business also well, though she wanted Accountancy.

HappySad got into NTU Computing, though I think she wanted Accountancy, although it is beyond reach.

Sometimes, I wonder why people aim so high, yet am I not doing the same?

Actually, I am no longer interested in aiming so high when my interest is not in there. It's just like looking at a Chemistry TYS and feeling totally unmotivated to pick apart and solve the questions in it. That's what I am feeling right now, but I am still struggling. I know my problem is with the irrelevance of Chemistry to myself but I will try hard to wipe off this conditioning within.

I so wish that I could escape though. All this time I never felt that I had the opportunity to apply my knowledge to good use. Or at the very least enjoy what I am doing. It used to be so in the early years, but not so now.

There is no regret on the path I had taken in any case, because I have a feeling the education system would have killed off my interest in art/writing/music long ago.I hope that I could be guided to the right path. I know what I want although the future is clouded in uncertainty, but I know I have the guts and am willing to walk the way through.

Guessing on Letters

Actually, my guesses on letters have been wrong so far.
For me, it is that letter, or no letter.
Both wrong. Nice.

I always get letters even when I least expect them. I get bills, notications, mailers, Times Magazine, etc...
Or even spam e-mail...
But none of that letter I've been waiting for.

I think I won't even receive it.
But I know that I will be wrong.

So what if it is a guess that it would be a rejection letter?

*Silence from the world*

Prayers half-answered

Seems like there is really no hope for me to get into that course this year.

I have no letter, no e-mail, and the Joint Acceptance page is still barring me from entry.

The first batch (and probably the last) of JC acceptants have just gotten their tea party e-mails/letters and also a blank slot on the Joint Acceptance page.

Actually, not surprising since their grades are so much better. While they are somewhere 75% to the top, I'm just right at the bottom of the earth (short of failure to entry to hell). I wonder if Mew has gotten hers. Her grades are around the same as these guys.

I am feeling a little resentful, but I guess I can't be complaining eh? That's because I simply do not have the right to.

---

Anyway, been to Polyclinic, and back.

I went through 2 doctors today just because I felt that the first seems too nonchalant in her attitude to give me a referral letter straight. Come on, a earblock and you ask me to see a specialist which is going to charge between $50-70 at one sitting??

I am also concerned because this is not the first time they referred me. Recently, they referred me for a menstrual problem, but the referral in that case was warranted for.

Heck, I should have just went to the clinic at Tampines to get a better diagnosis than this! I could have cleaned my ear out too like the last time round, and it'll definitely be less than what the specialist charges.

I think these doctors are too casual with their profession. They just think, "oh, diagnose and ok my job is done to clear out the queue". They don't really emphasize with your concern. This is especially true with the 1st doctor. I can sense out if a person is genuine or not. There's something called "body language" and "voice", things that shows your inner emotions and are not easy to hide.

I actually cried because I felt that I was being wronged for once. My inner voice told me I didn't deserve this referral at all. I decided to seek a second opinion from mom.

Mom suggested to see a certain doctor. I was pretty hot-headed for a while, but I kind of calmed down and decided to listen to her. I am glad I did, and am also glad that she decided to come along with me.

We were right, the 2nd doctor was more precise and actually gave a better diagnosis. Not only because it was more hopeful, it was more accurate and contrary to what the 1st doctor said, the polyclinic actually had the expertise to treat blocked ears! The only thing was, which doctor could do it!

I am keeping a mental note that the doctors located at a certain side, as well as that 2nd one, would be more trustworthy than the general rooms.

---

I feel so much better now, letter or not. My ears are definitely going to get better again! That's the definition to happiness for me today!

I guess what's important is to do what I should be doing right now. I need to clear off the junk of overdue mathematical assignments that I imposed on myself. That is, after I clear off my housechores at home, and collect mail from the mailbox later.

I know that today, I will not get a letter.

Tata for now.

Ear block

Arggh my right ear is blocked!
Actually, yesterday I went to Polyclinic, but whoa...the whole place is full house and the waiting time on average is estimate of 3 hours or more...
So I went and buy ear drops. But the ear drops aren't really effective so I think I'll go to the Polyclinic tomorrow. Think I'll need the oral medication for the ear infection too.

But I just cannot stand it. I have to wait for more than 2 days for my ear to be back to normal again.

Anyway, the Joint Acceptance website is just crap. I just cannot get into it with my NTU details. Nah, I'm kidding, it's just that the NTU people haven't accepted me in yet. Or it means...rejection letter.

And I just cannot stand it. Because, I hate to wait for soooo long.

Fed up with parents again

Ok, it is true that I cannot rely on them anymore.

I am feeling a little resentful for it but well...I'm already close to the age where I would be considered a grown up.

But why so fast? I don't even feel ready for it.

Actually, I trust my maternal grandparents and extended family who I have lived with in my childhood years more, but they also have their limits to how they can help. All I have is moral support every moment they are with me, which is definitely not the case with my parents.

You see, when I decided to retake, they said very clearly that I do not need to find a job and would just need to focus on the retake itself. Money is not a problem.

And then, now, with the phone bills, they now say that I have to pay for it, so that I would cut down on usage. But come on, the bill is at the minimum for that basic plan! Are you suggesting that I don't use my mobile phone anymore? That's insane!

Come on, what kind of message are you trying to get across here, you confused bunch of clowns I must say? Money not a problem and you want me to pay for the bills? This is actually ok but my problem is that you haven't even made it clear from the start! The worse part being that you kept the earlier bill from me and now I have 2 bills to pay at one go?!?

That is the only thing I really really really detest about my parents. Never giving a clear message and leaving you to do what you want to do.

I feel that it is a basic rule that as a person, you must make your stand clear from the start. If not, you have to acknowlege your mistake, and make known the reason why so, as means of engaging a point of understanding with the other party.

They actually flouted this rule. I am rather disappointed in them for that. The issue is not about me being not flexible, but in you people being too flexible about the things you say.

Looks like my decision to take on a job previously was right for this once. At least I have the funds to pay off the bills.

But I'll soon be back at square 1 when it comes to saving up for extra expenses for university. This is also considering that I'm working to have funds to stop seeking for pocket money from my parents for the time being until the retaking is over and I can find a job again, or in the event that I really do go to University.

With the new job offer, I guess I would be at least further secured for now. Better learn to juggle work and studies now than later huh?

See, I'm such a thoughtful person but the gesture of thoughtfulness doesn't quite pay off well with my own family. And they aren't even a single bit thoughtful at all. Who knows if later they would say that I have to pay for my University funds on my own? Earlier on, they said they would fund my University education, but do words really come and go with the wind? I really won't dismiss this possibility. Pray hard it won't be though.

Sigh.

However, as much as they don't like to admit it (in fact, they keep denying it), they have a lot of self-pride and face to keep, more so than I do. If they really retract that decision, I will make sure that word goes out about it to my relatives and their friends. That is, unless they are in deep financial shit, then I do understand, and they'd better not fake it out or keep it from from me.

Given the chance and opportunity, I would rather rely on myself. I will work hard and then apply for a scholarship next year.

And now, they just suddenly say "I want to use the PC, bunk off." At least mushy is much more polite to give me at least 15 minutes of notice.

...

May Day!

Finally, it's May! Omgoodgosh I am running less and less of time towards retaking of A levels!

Anyway, I have a spare 2 weeks after the temp job last month, which I am really happy for. Now I have to just grab this time to brush up on all of the remaining weak concepts and I'm done.

I'm mightily worried about practical but I think those will come naturally to me. No point using SPA grades since those would really suck. I mean it.

The letter is still nowhere in sight. No news is good news, eh? Well, I am really really praying hard that the acceptance letter might come, but I'm praying harder to be led towards the right direction in my life. Actually, I don't really care about going to University. I just want to go for what I should be doing. This is more important than the glory of going to University. My heart says, that is the right place, however, God knows if I am correct or wrong better than I do. In other words, at this moment, I trust my feelings, but feelings are not forever.

From what I know though, my feelings are often right, especially when they are in sync with my thoughts. This one is.

Finally formatted the computer

Yes! 3AM and I'm done with everything in order for my Dad to be able to use the computer tomorrow in the cleanest state for years with all his programs ready at hand.

I still have a little more backup to do (from 2 CDs to the external hard drive), but that can be left for later.

After having spent quite a fair bit, seeing how things have worked out nicely has made it all worthwhile. Also, I have about 40+ extra GB on standby, which is more than enough. A neccessary purchase nonetheless, since I will definitely need it for backup, storage and transfers.

I just hope my Dad won't run into any problems tomorrow, and everything will be well.

But I guess certain hiccups can't be really avoided. Mush with all his WoW and Dota nonsenses will be complaining about the lack of spare disk space again, even when it is from 3GB previously to 6GB. Games games games games games...he should get his own hard drive.

At least the desktop search is working again, no more redirects, no more lag, and now we won't have crazy Dr. Watson's Debugger popping up once every now and then to crash explorer.exe.

Sad

Even though I shouldn't really be expecting such a thing to happen, I am feeling sad that I haven't even received a single letter from that certain place at all.

Time sure seems to tick by slowly when the letter isn't here, but my job is ending soon! Just 2 more days and I'm liberated for another 2 weeks or so!

I really do WANT my lettter.

Mailbox

Ran
Bent down
Fingered the slot
Gave inside a peek
Turned the key
Fished out
Nothing

Where is the freaking letter?

I want my letter!

I got one, but from some insurance plan thingy courtesy of CPF's arrangement. Don't know what it is all about, need to ask my Dad soon.

This job is a little draggy. I'm just days into my work and I feel like I've been there for more than a week already. Hmm maybe because of my CNY job being about the same stuffs. I will have enough strength to carry on still, because I know that no matter what, this job is many times better than a previous job. I'm starting to feel like an Automated Talking Machine (pun on ATM huh?) again (yea, some things never change), so I will be glad for a break when this job ends. With the pasar malam nearby, the feeling of Bedok central is like a carnival, and I like it that way.

Still, I want my break soon, which is beginning of next month, and most importantly, my letter! LETTER! YOU'D BETTER COME SOON! HMPH!

Seek and ye shall not find

I took the title for today's blog post from ST's "Mind You Body" section.

It says about the viewpoints of happiness differing with different philosophers, but there was one thing in common with all: You can only find happiness by seeking something else and not happiness alone.

Interesting, and I have to agree that it is true. If you try hard to be happy just by trying to feel happy, that usually does not work. Before reading this article, I have read so many other articles dishing out an advice to keep an optimistic spirit about things, but I was all along wondering, where does the optimistic spirit come from? It cannot just pop out of nowhere you know.

I am enlightened by this fact. Maybe I was trying way too hard last year to be happy, and while I was going for counselling sessions, I have been thinking, since life is pretty uncertain, and since everyone will still go through the ageing process and die one day, why should we have to live still? While I was fearing for my happiness, I was also fearing about life.

The bout of depression was cleared this year. I realised that life has it merits and it differs with people. I just wasn't really aware of it.

Been thinking a little bit, and here are some of the greatest things contributing to happiness in life:

Growth, Learning, Achievement, Passion, Dedication: "A person is without a soul if there is no fire in the heart." Some chinese saying but I don't really know where the actual source is from. Contributes to our self-esteem. To be able to grow and become a better person while we are here is important to our self-esteem and happiness. Otherwise, when we just lay on our deathbeds, we will be regretting our life away, and that is not a situation I want to be in.

Love and understanding: (Good) Love is happiness, provided it is not misguided or blind love. I equal love with understanding. For one, you can only love yourself better by being your best friend and understanding yourself well enough to give yourself what you need, otherwise you might get miserable. You can only feel loved by others if the people around you understand you. You can only love the world if you can understand it to a good extent.

Inner peace and contentment: To be happy for what you are, and what you have. This doesn't exactly mean that we have to be complacent - it only means that we should have a good dose of happiness from being contented on the whole. If pursuing something can make you even more contented, and it is within your means, why not?

People, and being a part of the moment: So much of our lives has to do with other people no matter whether you are introverted or extroverted by nature. Be it an MMORPG or real life, the basic block actually comes from the existence of people. These inspirational sources can either make or break a person. I choose to believe that most people are good by nature, and in the "grey" or "black" personalities, evil is simply a manifest of fear, indirectly or not, unless you are clearly demented from the start.

Equality and basic respect: No matter what the skin colour, background or the culture is, every human is the same inside. "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you."

Memories and experience: Most of the other greatest things are linked to these powerful sources for our emotions and what makes us the way we are. The reason why life is a journey that has to be taken, these have to be acquired on the way to make us a better person overall.

That's about it for today. Till the next entry.

Nothing in the mailbox...

Well, not really wanting a rejection letter to be sent to me soon. In a world of the mightily practical, no-nonsense Singapore education system, the odds are against me that I would be receiving an acceptance letter. I've been wondering if I screwed the portfolio by giving informal fanart stuffs (I see the people reviewing them shaking their heads), random midi compositions (irrelevant to art and design, unless you count the creative aspect of it) and stupid writings (heck, I haven't been taught how to write a poem, I just write simply through my feelings). Yet, I'm trying to keep my optimism up since I haven't grab any letter with my name in the mailbox this week.

At least 3 people received theirs yesterday. They must be really good to be accepted on the first batch of letters being sent out. Expected minimoto to get in anyway.

I wonder if the batches are per week(s) or once every few days.

Bad news: The number of acceptance letters to be sent out are dwindling. Or everything was sent out today and the rest are all rejection letters.
Good news: There are probably more of acceptance letters to be sent out. It's highly possible that those who got theirs today are previously from a polytechnic.

There could be 2 possiblities. Either they are not sending the letter right now because I'm on a waiting list or maybe because my results are plain too lousy for them to accept me. And to keep me from thinking that they are being biased towards my results, they have to withhold the letter till later on.

Meh, I'm just being paranoid, since mewie has not received hers either.

I really do want to get into Uni. The reason is not so big for the status of being an undergraduate. For the experience of it, as well as a good chance to set my direction in life straight, it is.

Actually, I don't believe much in degrees. They aren't godly. Today, skills are the main deciding factor to your employability. What more, even if you get a good degree, good grades, good school, but a lousy EQ and an attitude to work for the money alone, you'll just end up as a souless freak and possibly an extremely mean person (With this sort of attitude: "Heck, my job is just to go through my working hours, why should I care to run down to this lady to sort out her case when I should be enjoying my off-day?", rather than "Hey, I need my off-day badly for my children, but if it is really bad, I'll see what I can do for the lady while trying to keep my promise to bring them out today.").

However, what my Dad said is rather true, I would rather go through a formal university education than to go for some stupid non-accredited degree from SIM or MDIS. Ok, I do admit that I am concerned about the status too, since my roots are ironically in Singapore, not somewhere else. Yet, there's no denial of the difference of experience between going to a private university and going to NTU/NUS/SMU. In a way, "if you get into NTU/NUS/SMU, you are good." In a way, the education in NTU/NUS/SMU is still more dedicated that private universities, who care more about the revenue they get. Correct me if I'm wrong, I might be.

Still, I don't want to give out bad vibes to people by saying that I come from a private university. They'll go like "Huh? what is that?" or "I don't think that's a good university" or "You must be really rich to pursue this option". At best, "remarkable for someone like you" (It can go either way, as a sarcasm or a genuine compliment, depending on circumstances).

I just want to be proud of my life.

Just another entry

A few more hours to work...gotta catch some sleep soon.

Actually, these days, have been thinking about life. It wasn't as bad, emo, dark as in the JC days. But I get the feeling that I'm somewhat guided by a string and have no will to pursue something, since I don't really know my true purpose in life.

Maybe I don't have one. I guess probably the only known purpose in my life is to experience more of it. The want, need, and desire to interact with and send out my inner voice to people might be the only reason why I'm literate.

Been reading a bit from a book, which listed out the main emotional phrases/struggles that people go through during a certain age group in life. I can't exactly remember what it is for us teenagers but I think it has something to do with identity. That is my only big problem for now.

Been thinking, some people talk about pursuing their passion. Will it stay relevant in time to come? I see passion as this: Imagining that you have won a million dollars, and assuming that it will last you for a lifetime, the question would be what you would do with your time.

For me, I guess I would be thinking of what I would want to create next, as long as my basic needs and emotional security are already met for eternity. Maybe that is my life mission: To create. Hmm that can have another meaning too. Hahaha.

Ok, enough of the talk. Ciao.

Busy Saturday

Today was really crowded. My feet were sore from the cramped shoes and rapid movement from one place to another. It was pretty bad. After work, I was hobbling towards the bus stop and back home for a change of shoes before going off for CO practice. Switching to casual attire next week since they said it is allowed. I hate formal attire anyway.

Met an ex-schoolmate. Seems like he didn't do so well either. He's not planning to retake due to NS. Possibly going poly after A levels.

I personally feel that is really disheartening to tell a stranger of such a situation. I try to shrug off the crappy feeling, and focus on telling the truth about waiting for university postings.

They say that the first batch of letters (of acceptance and possibly rejection) would be coming out on late April. Would assume it would be from the last week onwards...

Seems like certain popular faculties in NUS, NTU and SMU have sent out letters or phone calls to short-listed candidates for interviews. At least the ADM stuffs are settled.

Been reading through blogs here and there, the people who applied sound really confident? They know what they're doing with all the artworks they supplied. How can I match up to them? I don't really know, but it doesn't hurt to try. If there's anything that I can be proud of being me, I would say that I've been daring enough to expose myself to many different kinds of challenges and experiences so far.

Whatever will be will be.

Also, the home computer is on the verge of getting totally screwed by my brother who knows hardly anything useful to do with computers. A little blog update is ok, but I can't to get to do much with this computer, especially when he eats up so much space for his games. Now it is screwed to the point that the browser is hijaacked, the search functionality in XP goes haywire and would crash the whole system if one bothers it, and my account cannot be deleted either. This is not too bad compared to what I used to get - no internet access, computer keeps rebooting on its own, files going mysteriously missing.

The computer still badly needs a reformat one of these days. It's not going to come soon because my father insists of keeping his files on the computer, until I can solve the problems when new computers come in. (One for everyone! hmm cool, in the past, I would have spent a lot of effort in trying to get him to buy one, but now I feel different with the urge to ask: why so soon?) I have to plan for it also! What the heck, me again. Every time the computer comes up with some crappy problem, and that is 99% of the time not me for certain, I'm almost always the one to fix it. Well, at least with me taking the reins, I can at least choose good stuff.

Why on earth do we have to be the slave of the computer with all these problems caused by malware, adware, viruses and spyware? It's really stupid.

As for being just given the go-ahead to plan for new computers, not very enthusiastic about it. It's kind of funny. Does such a feeling comes once you turn 18? I used to want a computer so badly so that I can draw without guilt of wasting loads of paper (killing loads of trees and making more rubbish to keep in my room) and manage my website better. So that I can manage my time better and have more say in when I want to maple.

Now those just became the past. (Except for maybe the time management part, from the start and to the end, I hate to fight over the computer with my brother and father. The computer is a necessary evil.) How did I suddenly find that leveling up is just a jumble of numbers and seems to be a silly thing to do? It seems exactly like the way a school system without good buddies with you is - constricting, limiting and emotionally-restraining. Working in a dynamic environment, active self-study and going out with friends is really more fun.

Well, need to get the rest, so tata for now.

Good Day of Hiccups...

General Mood: A little bit frustrated, otherwise fine.

Yay for today, except for some annoying hiccups...got laptop charger, calculator batteries and some other stuff...Went to a couple of crowd-packed places and all I can say is that I feel suffocated!! That contributed to my blood pressure and looked set to worsen my already frustrated mood. Thankfully, I had control over myself and all went rather ok except for hiccups and a bit of moodiness which I kept inside.

And, omgosh, I bought the pink thing just because I like that colour best! My friend kept teasing me, and then by chance when we met after their work hours, the promoter and her boss seem to have weird kind of ideas in their eyes...well, that's alright, I'm not going to care...Who ever says I'm looking for love? (Well, maybe, but not necessarily of the romantic kind ok? There's family love, friendship love, people love...blah blah blah)

I reckon I overspent on some personal stuffs, but anyway, I haven't really bought myself much stuff at all. 2 books and some clothes. Money mostly spent on food and transport expenses, which unfortunately don't come cheap.

Anyway, I'm going to have a job soon starting on Friday. Though it is going to be only 2 weeks, I would need it a lot, both for the money and satisfaction. It'll be much more fun than staying at home. I'll save up as much money as I can so that I can study for the next few weeks out of home and forget about my misery. The catch is, no parental support. I don't really care anyway. Their mouth always stinks when you don't do want they want you to do, even when what you do is actually for your own good.

I can survive without the need for new clothes, but I definitely will have a headache if I don't have enough money to have enough to eat! Hahaha...no choice la, being a poor little rich girl. Rich in what sense? At least I have enough for now in terms of material needs. I don't remember being a demanding child at all. But parents sound to be money tight. And enough is only enough for now, and not for the future. That's the main reason why I decided to get a job even though they told me not to. Since they cannot provide me with the financial stability, might as well that I do it on my own.

The biggest problem with my parents is that one moment, they can tell you that money is not a problem, and that you can ask for allowance any time. The next moment, when I just ask for money expenses after 2 weeks, they ask me what happened to my earlier salary. Which actually isn't much at all. Maybe I don't really control my finances that well, but $25 is hard to stretch for 2 weeks...Stupid wishy-washy attitude. If you want to control my life, at least give some proper definition to it! Pfff... (I stole it from turbo...haha well, sounds like a nice word to express my frustration, not too harsh and not too soft either.)

And either they are trying to bluff me or it is the plain truth. 1K+ of reserves left? Wth? Less than $20 of earnings a day? Old age, not wanting to find a proper job or just that no one wants to employ you? Note: Dad has a business degree from NTU, almost 0% employability, failed in various self-startups. Note to self: Better find a few job niches where you can do well and be happy with, provided it pays well. And find something that you can always find employability for, even if it means to be on your own. And don't have children if you cannot ensure financial and emotional stability, and your ability to bond with them.

How I wish I could go back to the good old days where I don't even have to worry about all these. Current home environment is actually pretty harsh compared to my ancestral home. At my ancestral home, at least I know back then that no matter what I do, at least my extended family are behind me 100%. I can dream and fulfill what I want to do there, their support keeps me going. Even though my freedom to go out and interact with people are what you would call painfully limited, at least I was happy with my grandparents and uncles for company. Here, they don't give a straight damn about you. It's true that I've grown more independent, but I also lost much of my emotional security and direction.

I think I have had enough of all these nonsenses from my parents. I haven't rebelled enough for what I really want, maybe it is time I should to ensure my success. Not that I will jeopardise my chances at the 2nd A levels, but that I would handle more decisions on my own, even if they won't like it.

After all, there is a boundary between plain stupidity and knowing what's important when you go against the flow.

I feel that ever since my brother took up badminton instead of NCC which my parents first imposed on him, he has become a much happier person. I envy him somewhat. Actually, nothing to envy about since I gotten the CCAs I wanted, still, I envy him for having that courage to fight for what he wants. I need it badly too.

This is teh crap...

Had a bit of an upset over things and have nosebleed again. I guess all I can do is to drink more water, might be the heatiness.

Tried a bit of Second-Life today, but I think my computer screws up the graphics and I didn't really like it. The graphics reminds me of The Sims and Runescape.

Fac test blues

What I posted:

---

Q1) Drew my hand with the pencil since that is the hand that I place my trust in. But my jaw dropped when I saw a really detailed hand drawing by someone else...Sigh. Or is it that my hand doesn't have much wrinkles to begin with? :?

Q2) Drawing 3 as the odd doodle. I think my reasoning might be flawed. (Well, I doubt anyone among us taking the test knows which is the real deal anyway) It is something between planned and unplanned. I think I had the same question as Hidd3NNiN. cindy might have the other one with the child's face drawing. [There are 2 variants of question two. My gaze accidentally swept to someone's paper sitting in the front and her question 2 pictures are different from mine.]

Q3) Did the 3rd one. When I reached that question I thought for too long and nearly ran out of time. I settled for the most stupid idea I could think of. I really wrote and drew the things in a messy way, so it wasn't well done.

Overall, I don't think I did very well. I could definitely use a lot of improvement for question 3, otherwise, I tried my best.

---

Well, what else to say? Overall mood is lousy. I did the test rather intensely such that I didn't even notice that I was close to a nosebleed. I do remember I tasted blood in my throat though.

As expected, 2 of my JC classmates went for the test too, but I didn't know that a certain someone I knew was an artist! I saw the hand, I'm like, whoa, so detailed. O level art?

EDIT: And, wow, the first picture is actually a doodle of NTU map?

That pretty much summarises for today. Time to forget about it.

Avatar blues

Me: I drew my avvie
Someone: Anything more special?
(Inside - -;;)

Don't worry, you're not the only one who's given me such a response on that picture.

This is what you see on MSN

The actual thing (Click it)

I admit that was a bit stupid, but it was a request from an Aurose buddy from a while back. I'd love to do a cooler pose for it but I sadly lack the basics. It wasn't meant to be an avatar but I didn't have any other pictures that can be used on MSN back then. I ought to change it to a pudding picture that I found recently.

Since the stupid results came out I began to have little mood for drawing. So there aren't really any recent pics that I can show. I don't really feel like drawing now. I want to finish my statistics revision and also my piano scores for two FF songs.

I'll save my drawing spirit for tomorrow. Mission: faculty test! Gotta sleep and wake up early!

Mood: Discouraged

I am seriously in a very discouraged mood today.
By the (note, basic) art standards I've been looking at so far, there's absolutely no way Mewie and I can match up to them with our current.
I sense that many of them from Poly or overseas as well! They already have the skills beforehand and we have to start from scratch. Starting from scratch is good, but I think we need a little more time to adjust than any student with Art background.
I don't really relate much to some of the weird stuff that some people draw. Such as street art. Can't some things in life be much simpler?
Whatever goes, we still have to go for the test.
A bit stressed but well...

I think I'll place my worry on my A level retake for now.

I wish we don't have to grow up with all these sort of crazy problems. Life is more carefree when we were younger.
That seems impossible too. Don't like my life to be stagnant.
Sometimes, in life, we really have no choice.

Sorting out the barrage

Paid for A levels, cleared up all my scattered files to sections of GP, Maths, Chemistry, Biology.

My notes alone is really overwhelming. Plus those that Jigglyn gave me, I am o_O;;; I appreciate that she is willingly giving them to me though. I do need those detailed scribbles that my notes lack.

Looking at the overall amount of stuff to cover in order that my confidence in retaking is assured, I feel a little over-challenged. There's not much time as I would like to think I have, whether it be getting into University or not.

First up would be Maths and Practical stuff. I'm not sure of the practical component, I've heard that it will be the same as SPA except that it is condensed into one examination, while SPA is a continuous assessment for 2 years. Thank god I didn't throw away my Bio SPA stuff. For Chemistry, I think I'll have to make do with the Organic Chemistry tables and maybe a bit on memory.

At least I got all the mess out and the important stuff in. Have one week to start on the Maths stuff before I take up a job.

A job agency called up. I was starting to feel an itch to take up a short-term job again, and I need some money too for my book expenses/university preparations, so I took it up. That'd also give me an excuse to visit a library everyday for that week for 2 hours after work ends.

Hopefully the other agency calls for the other job offer in May. I'd love to have that job. For one, I can interact with people again as part of the job, which is really one of the greatest satisfaction of having a temp job, otherwise I can get ample time-out to study/play.

---

Went back to Xanga today to post my last post there (after close to 2 years) to say that I'd be gone for good from that place. I dislike Xanga, prefer Blogspot, but all my memorable posts from the days of Pokespecial are there, so I can't really close it down.

Out to the far west of the island...

Today I made my first journey to Boon Lay through the MRT line.

NTU is a really big place. The atmosphere on the hill which holds the Student Care Services/Office of Admissions and Financial Aid vaguely remembers me of the atmosphere at MacRitchie Reservoir...

And I just confirmed with my Mum that this was the place where my Dad studied in years ago. I thought he was from NUS...seems like the actual university was Nandah, before a merger or something along that. Studying under a tree...hahaha...I guess I'll never have that privilege bah...the place has more buildings on it now, and who wants to study so much in nature when you have aircon widely provided now? XD

We went up staircases which was about 2-3 times as bad as AHS's "chang-cheng" (what we fondly called "the great wall of china" in our secondary school days because of the many steps and the pattern").

Mew and I went to hand in the ADM stuff today and then went down to ADM to look around.

We saw some people cleaning the glass, seems that they take a lot of pride in the glass windows...which does make it stand out from the other buildings at that place (and also responsible for the suicide of birds x_X). Seems like it is not easy for outsiders to see the inside, but easy for the insiders to see the outside with those glass windows. Sounds like the kind of the privacy anyone would like to have huh?

We just peaked into a corner, which just had a lot of empty tables. Other than that, it didn't seem accessible.

An outside picture of ADM from Hall 8's Bus stop



At Jurong Point, we saw this kitty. It shocked me while we were walking...Stupid me took it at 90 degrees...next time I'll definitely be more careful when I'm taking a video with my phone.



And while eating KFC with Twiggy and Mewie, we found an extraordinary packet of chilli sauce. (Now that is one more thing to add about KFC's latest mission of cutting down of costs...No drink cap, no tray paper, and now, welcome the reduced chilli sauce size!)



This one is special because I don't get to see the moon every night at my room window.



That's all for today =)

Tomorrow is the day

When we hand in the stuffs. Friday would have been the last day had it been that they did not graciously give us an extra day.

Mew screwed by choosing to go yesterday. The Office of Admissions wasn't open. Luckily, we checked before we went. I would imagine uncle ranting at her really badly if we really went and found that it was closed for the weekends. It's not her fault anyway, having a performance to go for. Darn I should have gone...I have been missing CO practices and all their performances so far...Doesn't reflect very well on me.

Been scouring around for portfolios, videos and the like for those people who want to go into the course too...I am really in awe by some of the standards of these people. In comparison, my portfolio and video is just so common. It was just like the feeling ages ago when I went for a faculty test at Temasek Polytechnic. Everyone brought out their secondary school artwork which seemed glamourous. Mine paled in comparison. I ought to have learnt a lesson or two back then...

Seriously, what have I been doing for the past 2 years where hardly any trace of Art came into my life other than the occassional doodles and the random musical compositions? Alas for that too, I only have a Grade 6 piano, Grade 5 theory. And for theory...I forgot every single thing to it, maybe only the basics like note reading. We never learnt composition at all, all the music teachers I have gotten hates it to the core. This actually pulls out a lot of purpose from learning music theory. Come on, what's the use of analysing countless of musical scores other than to understand their style, learn to appreciate what's good for you and then try hands-on on gaining self-satisfaction by attempting to compose your own piece? I totally flopped my Grade 7 and 8 practical, and then decided to take a break to think about what went wrong before I try to fly again. Till now, I don't dare to ask my parents to sponsor continuing my music education yet. I think I still need time to pick up piano once more.

Seriously, I am one very confused person. Art and music seem to be parallels. My love for them is there, but I am really unable to express it that well. I don't understand why! Plus the similar thing about them is that they have so many styles due to their history! God save me from the misery of trying to master them all. What's more, I don't know what to specialise in. I like manga styled drawings but I am also very picky about what I would want to draw, because with manga comes a link to Japanese culture and that's not really what I want to pick up totally.

I haven't tried life drawings much yet, and so far, haven't really attempted one more other than the one I am going to submit, but doing life drawings seem to be really cool and teaches you a lot about proportions. Seriously, I have trouble drawing eyes symmetrically. Most people do. I however picked up a method that I devised on my own, to flip the paper and see the drawing from the other side. Often, our vision is limited by one perspective, and I have learnt to look at it from the other side as well. Works for me at least.

I think I lost my direction in life for everything since Secondary school, with absolutely no one to guide me. Ever since I moved in with my parents, gradually losing contact with my extended family, and a mentor in my life left for her home country. I kept encounting problems in my path, and I started to ask myself if things would be worth it if I did this, did that.

As I draw out my life details on the upside of the paper, I seemed to have failed.
On the other side, though, it was just that I have drawn it slightly off and needed to patch the other side.
The question is, how easy is it to really see the other side and then make a correct judgement on the patching?

Reflections

Hmm...come to think of it, maybe I wasn't the science kind of person.

I tend to enjoy myself when I am in close proximity to nature or to musical and artistic stuff.

If life is a journey, then maybe I had been tredding on the wrong path, or have taken a de-route.

My guardian angel, or God as some people might like to think, might be leading me back to where I would best fit.

After all, there was absolutely no course I was interested in taking. Yet, what is a person without purpose in life? I feel empty if I have no purpose to fulfill.

Not that I am a weirdo or anything, but I like to observe people too. I like to ask myself questions about certain behaviours and human emotions.

Either the art, musical field, or social sciences might be for me. I wonder where I can explore all of it.

In my heart, I ask the divine to lead me to the rightful path of purpose.

Finally completed the portfolio

Nothing special about it I think. But people said to keep having faith. There were people with my sort of situation: No strong arts background, less-than-average grades. And they got in.

Miracle? I probably do think so too.

My situation however will be of the most testing since I have obtained just the bare minimum of grades. I do not know if it is the doings of heaven that brought me to the state of just barely hanging on a string.

Seriously, I am in an up-and-down sort of mood these days. I can be hopeful, cheerful and happy in one minute, in the next I can become moody and depressed.

I read something along the lines of portfolio reviewers have a concern that a great portion of past submissions were manga-styled drawings. I'm like, wth, anime/manga made me interested in art. To be more precise, it would be the game/anime/manga combination of Pokémon. Also, my portfolio is heavily based on this area.

Although I would go on strike with that statement, I kind of expected it from the lecturers. I too understand their regret of seeing a style being copied way too much for it to be unique and true to the personality of its user. Manga and anime styles are actually too conformed. Sometimes it makes you wonder if some of the eye styles and the hairstyles look too overemphasized to look natural after a while. Isn't beauty all about being natural?

Truly, it would be a shame if we are going to copy everything of Japan. Although my drawing style is heavily influenced by manga, I tried hard to develop my own style, and that was the main reason why I stayed away from being influenced by any more Anime/manga stuff for 2 years.

Not too successful though, I say. I really really love Mato's art style. The inner child in me rejoices whenever I draw something in a similar fashion. It was a style that I related most to. Not that I can't beat it, just that I think I need to go through the fundamentals of art proportions and depictions so that I can draw better.

If they want real life, I have just one in the portfolio. Not too great but not too bad either. That was the third potrait that I have drawn so far in my whole life.

The rest are random insanities.

And I need to buy more CDs to burn stuff because one of my CD-Rs was screwed for I-dunno-what-reason and the other a success but was not really done. I guess I shouldn't have rushed it out. I wasted one nice CD-R.

The odd part of the life right now is that I am so excited that I cannot sleep. I don't know what I'm being excited for exactly, I don't know why but I'm in a celebratory kind of mood. And I don't know if I have any reason to be celebrating. It's kind of crazy. I haven't even submitted the portfolio, or sat for the faculty test yet. Not everything is nice and settled!

And with a E, E, O grades, it would be a miracle if they do accept me.

I guess miracles might happen, if my gut feeling holds true, but we shall have to wait and see.

Stupid Tablet

Really. I finally found the program to get it running. It is such an old version and is only meant for Windows NT, 95, 98, ME/2000. Not Windows XP. The program did not pass the Windows Logo certification testing for XP (or whatever that is). It's great that it works because I think quite a few old drivers usually get screwed on XP.

Moreover, Wintime TW is out-of-business for quite some time already. It was about 2-3 years ago that I last visited their site and found a workable driver for this new computer after finding out that our original diskette for that driver was lost (and also probably outdated since it was for Windows 95/NT). Somehow a year ago the tablet stopped working, I am guessing due to some misdoings to the computer by spyware or something.

And fixing it really wipes out the grudge I had earlier for that mushroom. When I said I need the computer right now, my dear mushroom-head, it means that I have something important to do. Goodness knows how little time I have left for the completion of my portfolio. And stop teasing me already ok? I cannot change the past, let it be and don't bring it up you moron.

Now that the stupid tablet is working, I guess I can now finally start on the serious business of the entry requirements.

---

Video. Good grief. To show you and your creative abilities. I find that requirement way too stale. Even the 60% requirement for grades seems a bit off (and a little discouraging in my case). I hope what they just need is pass grades, not average or ace grades.

I do not know if I will rise up to the challenge but I will give it a go.

Actually, was thinking of making an animation, yet one requirement to talk about me! I am trying hard to think of a way to twist the rules.

Also, some peeps have been posting up their portfolio stuffs on YouTube. I guess I will follow the trend in case the video format fails to show on their computer. I will really be screwed if that is the case. Yet...I really don't know if I will dare to show the video. Really.

I'm just a conflicted person at times. Sometimes I feel like doing something, or that I did something, and then I feel that I probably shouldn't have, and have to learn how to live with it.

Something like applying for a course in Poly on a provisional basis before the admissions started.

Something like setting up a blog for a particular event in the past. (Not this one)

Something like posting a music clip to teach people to sing and then later having no way to remove it. Pretty funny, yet pretty ironical. I get mixed sorts of reactions, ranging from slight teasing in person and praise online. And later, somebody asks me for it. Actually wanted to tell him that I lost the file but then I found out that a subdomain still had that file! I gave it to him out of goodwill, I trust that he will do nothing stupid with it.

And now, something like applying for University, even though I am not pleased with the grades I am getting, and that I have not much formal art experience and background.

I really have no choice with the video, yet...

---

Yesterday, went for a health checkup due to some minor problems (nothing serious), and had to go for blood testing. I was like, wth, since the nurse drew blood from my left arm first, and then declared that there wasn't enough blood. I had to go through a second go of the needle to get blood from the other arm. I don't have a fear of blood. I'm just more concerned about the pain, otherwise it is ok.

Mio...

Today, our pet Stingray is replaced by this thing called "Mio":


Yeah I ripped off the image from the official Mio webbie.

This thing works like my secret DSL modem, just that it has more functions to it. Heard that there is unlimited outgoing and incoming house calls. So it is bye-bye to the ADSL and manual dial-up.

It solves all the previous frustrations whereby the stupid telephone line could not be fitted in properly to the old Stingray. Yet, now only one phone can be used when the computer is in use.

---

Today, I finally made a little progress on one of the nuisance topics of Maths: probability. It was partly responsible for my shoddy performance at Paper 2. I was missing of lecture notes of a few topics and this was one of it.

Maybe my mind was not as sharp as it used to be, as I looked at the Maths questions, I have this stupid tendency to misread some of the sentences. No wonder I was having so much trouble with the Maths paper 2 last year.

Sometimes, I feel that I ought to be stoning myself for not making it, yet why do I feel an atmosphere of hope around me instead?

To quote from the article today in MindYourBody, Epictetus, a Greek philosopher, once said:

"I must die. But must I die groaning? I must be imprisoned. But must I whine as well? I must suffer exile. Can anyone hinder me from going with a smile, and a good courage, and at peace?"

What he meant was that for circumstances around us that we cannot control, we should learn to control how we react to those circumstances. If there is a cure for the illness, it ought to be seeked, but if it cannot be cured, there is no other choice, so why not bear with it cheerfully?

Coming from someone who slaved in his youth and became crippled as a result of torture, this is a remarkable piece of advice.

This is nothing new to me. I've heard it before from many mouths, but I never knew its source. Never did I expect such a philosophy to become so important now.

Anyway, gotta go. I'll be always hoping that the passing of every day fruitfully will lead to a better day.

Fried...

From now on, all quizzes will go into a seperate blog: http://puquizresults.blogspot.com/

---

It was kind of expected, but then I did not expect it to be this bad. I've put in the best effort for that time even under those kind of bad-weather circumstances. The minimum grades for A level pass.

I felt the heavens were crying for me and all the people who tried and yet did not do as well as they would be expecting as I walked back home, forgetting everything else.

My GP grade was a B4 even with an essay attempt at some discussion between imagery and words, which is actually a dangerous open-topic question (only to be used as a last resort). Everyone else who attempted at the Sci & Tech question seemed to only managed C grades and in the worst case, D. I was looking at all the questions back then, and telling myself that all the topics they gave were quite crappy, and I assured myself back then that it was the right topic to do. Yet, because of the GP pass, I couldn't repeat as a JC2.

GP was an impossible subject to fail, at least for me. I sometimes wonder why I hadn't failed Chemistry the way I failed my Maths. The saddest thing was Biology, this one I really did give a lot of effort. Just that I didn't write fast enough. I certainly do know what my problems with the A levels were.

I absolutely refuse to believe that I have returned to the teachers what I've learnt so I'll just retake it again, and using this time I will think carefully what I want to do when I really do go on to University. Even with a grade like C, D, D, I would be haunted by it when I look back in the years ahead.

And, I'm not actually unhappy about the grades. Just plain unhappy that I'm not capable.
I'm unhappy about my inability at probability and statistics.
I'm unhappy about my inability to not complete a single paper.
I'm unhappy that I cannot give a satisfactory answer at Biology questions.
I'm unhappy because I'm always caught off-guard last year.
I'm unhappy that I chose to stick on to this subject combination.
I'm unhappy that because of all of these, I have to be left behind for a year.

Ok, that's all with the whining. Be seeing everyone in Uni in a year I guess, unless fate otherwise says so =X

The enemy within

The enemy within.
Lurks within the shadow realm.
With knife hidden behind allies.

The enemy within.
In pretense as one of us.
False smiles cover thy serpent's true nature.

The enemy within.
Strived to manipulate heart strings.
Repeatedly tore away, and came back again.

The enemy within.
Is not without flaws.
The reputation hadst been well-known, long long ago.

The enemy within.
Tested us again and again.
Our patience gradually wore thin.

The enemy within.
Brought oneself down.
By hanging thy laundry out.

The enemy within.
Stands all alone.
While the rest stands up for one another.

The enemy within.
Onslaught with criticism.
Struggled to justify thy words.

The enemy within.
Denies having started it.
Falsely points back with an accusing finger.

The enemy within.
We have no longer been fooled about.
The verdict should have been out, long long ago.

The enemy within.
Left of her own accord.
The enemy, we are now gladly without.

New era, new revolution.
Fine as it is.
Just beware of your enemy within.

What Kind of Soul Are You?

You Are a Visionary Soul

You are a curious person, always in a state of awareness. Connected to all things spiritual, you are very connected to your soul. You are wise and bright: able to reason and be reasonable. Occasionally, you get quite depressed and have dark feelings. You have great vision and can be very insightful. In fact, you are often profound in a way that surprises yourself. Visionary souls like you can be the best type of friend. You are intuitive, understanding, sympathetic, and a good healer. Souls you are most compatible with: Old Soul and Peacemaker Soul

What Kind of Soul Are You?

New Year, New Beginnings

Happy 2007 everyone!

I managed to quit my job. Intent on getting a good rest for the month of January, I tried to set my mind at ease.

I like the money I got from my previous job but I guess some things are just more important. It is possible that I will never get such a long break ever again in my life. Besides, I'm 18 now, we don't know what is going to happen in the future. Whatever or whoever is here now might not be around later in the same form.

Perhaps my Dad is just a little resentful that I'm young and still ignorant of the workings of the world (which I admit is true, but I never really want to work in the corporate world, unless I'm needed and can manage to, when I grow up). After this month, I will get another job, but definitely not the kind that I was working as. It wasn't my cup of tea, it being repetitive, predictable as well as never-ending. I wanted something more of a challenge, yet with stability.

The only thing I'm not very happy with is that my parents don't understand me. They probably won't ever. They think the computer is the cause of it, as always. Sure, they can take away the computer and stuff. It's not going to change my intention to have a break this month.

I can do lots of stuff even without the computer. I have my new Japanese-English-Japanese Dictionary, Jay Chou ????? CD (my brother and I liked a couple of the songs so I got it ^_^), erhu and piano scores to use. I can also visit my grandma or go out with my cousin. Need to go for a dental checkup. I'm probably starting some work on a story for fun too. I just kind of designed a character, but the storyline is still kind of vague. I need to find a book that I have lost for a few years for some important information. My brother said he read it a few weeks ago in his room.

I guess one of the reasons why I chose to quit gaming is to detach myself emotionally from the computer. Too many people in my life have been trying to blackmail and upset me with trying to take it away from me. Even if I wanted to return to Maple, I can't because the computer restarts for no reason when I login. Might be because of Hamachi or Zion, but I'm not sure. I returned to AuROSE to help with bug finding, not going to hardcore level, but I guess if anything happens I may have to let go.

I sometimes wonder if I should change the way I am. I'm still a little resentful of the way I was brought up. I don't have many friends and I'm not very sociable. I'm way too self-centred at times, enjoying attention from people. I can be very quiet, shy and afraid. I'm female but somewhat not too feminine. I'm straight but just not the kind of girl who puts on makeup and dress gorgeously. I'm also the kind of person who keep a lot of thoughts to herself inside, speaks very little in groups, but can manage a conversion with another person. I can hardly crap too. I probably showed very little sense of self-identity, whenever people asked me what songs or which singer I liked, I never knew what to say. Or when I played on the school piano my examination piece, people asked me to play a more commonly known song, a request that I could never fulfill. I liked computer, games and manga, though I never really had much to spend, as well as the environment (my parents were dead against them), to indulge in them greatly. It was only on the internet where I dared to reveal my noisy innerself, but I have absolutely no idea how to show it in person.

Some people think that I come from a well-to-do family, but that's not true. In many sense, I'm probably much more poorer than others because my parents are kind of stingy. Branded goods are out unless I can produce a real reason on why I needed it. Partly, it could be my fault that I have poor taste of clothes. I never really asked for much from my parents, and they got used to it. There is also a generation gap of tastes, which is quite common for children of today with their parents I guess. I wasn't allowed to hang out with friends or roam around alone when I was much younger, so I usually go home straight after school. I was rather obedient when I was younger, but I lost my freedom to express myself.

I really don't know what I want to be in the future. I get the questions "What do you want to work as?" and "What do you want to study in University?" all the time. I don't have a definite answer. A while ago, it was Psychology, but Eil and a few others say that it is a broad field to specialise in and one has to be aware of which course to take. One who takes Psychology may not necessarily specialise in it, as proof in my previous workplace I heard some of the people there hold Psychology degrees, and their work wasn't even directly linked to it! Thinking back on something I was asked by a friend, my answer to her would be that it would be nice to be able to choose not to work, yet not be attached to any strings by it.

And so, I have decided, this break will be for finding me as well as the direction I will be taking.