New Year/Birthday Resolution: Quit games

At least for a while. I really don't know if I should get a clean break at all. It's a tough choice.

I spoke as though I was decided, but inside, I'm still not so sure. Perhaps time will be the deciding factor.

I really felt bad that I upset a couple of fellow alpha testers (and probably disappointed the devs/admins at the choice) at Aurose. At Bootex, friends were more understanding, but I was in a dillemia over a decision to disband the guild. Now at least I guess I can be in peace that word goes they will be doing fine till the last Bootex member there stands.

I'll leave Aurose around my Birthday (Memphis is the last person to contact for the Muse skills topic), for Maple early January because I'll need to get in-game to settle some stuff.

Whether I'll be back or not for either one of them, I'll leave it to fate to decide what's best for me.

Too many reasons to list out why I don't want to be in Maple and Aurose now. I couldn't explain to people in detail, it'll be a really long post so I'll just post them in the blog for myself:

• I felt that I have to quit games one day, I should attempt it as soon as I can.
• Too little time for too much to do. Or maybe let's just say that my time management skills sucks.
• I'm too "glued" to the computer, gaming makes the situation worse.
• I'm working at the moment for 8-9 hours with up to 2 hours travelling time, 5 days a week, I keep staring at a computer for most of the time, which leaves me hardly any time for a proper rest (gaming doesn't count, I still stare at the computer for it @_@). Can't break the contract too. Saturday, half the day is for Chinese Orchestra practice. Sunday's the only free day, which I have plans for instead of gaming from now on.
• I want to read more, learn more and increase my vocabulary. Both English and Chinese. My chinese standard is crap. English is just so-so, enough to converse and write coherently, but not write a good piece of article.
• Want to read newspapers everyday like what I did when I had absolutely nothing to do with the computer way back then. I know I'm crazy =P
• Want to go back to the doodling Manga-artist-aspiring days again.
• Read Mangas, watch Animes like what friends do.
• Pick up new skills. Maybe learn a new language.
• Maybe restore PokespecialTK back to the last update before I abandoned the project 2 years back.
• I want to concentrate on my Erhu and piano, since I have repicked up Erhu and would join the NUS exams with Mewie for Grade 5, and intend to continue piano again once I get into the mood to. And learn more songs by memory =D
• I want to study about photographic memory and getting it, if possible =X
• Get more sleep (the eyebags are showing)

Preliminary Attack! >_<

Been ages since I updated...again...

Anyway, prelims started today...1st day GP and chemistry.

I didn't complete AQ! (omg-omg-omg-omg ><;; die lah!) Sad case but I hope I did ok for the rest of the paper, especially summary ^^;; The essay wasn't well-attempted due to over-anxiety for chemistry paper 3. Ya compre was difficult to read but it was ok bah... And I remember the phrase which they asked us to infer... "Anti-semitism is socialism for the fools." (1m)

I wrote something along "To be against the Jews is an inclined choice of the poor."

...I googled for it...

...and got this from somewhere...

A famous Social Democrat in Germany, August Bebel (1840-1913), called anti-Semitism "the socialism of fools." He was trying to persuade German workers to fight capitalism rather than hating the Jews, advice they declined to take.

(dot dot dot...)

I have a feeling that my answer was off-tangent according to history...but I'm not so sure in the context of the passage...

Chemistry was the killer. I wonder how someone would be able hand in a fully attempted paper. He or she must have been fully armed to attempt the questions right on the dot. Now to think of it, I have so far never handed in one, when I should be doing so, right? So crap.

So 50 days down to A levels and I'm so insufficiently prepared. Will need all the help I can get. I already got some thanks to remedial by the J1 chem teacher (Mrs....cannot remember) for organic chemistry, Nody and Mewie for sharing their chemistry notes and knowledge with me when we revised together, for biology I really want to thank Ms Leo otherwise I will be totally DNA-stranded and my confusion will be semi-conservatively replicated, and then my cousin helped out with Equilibra, for maths the revision lectures helped a lot while Mrs Neo also put in effort to help, though I didn't go on Tuesday...and right now Yuki's (hmm correct nick?) helping with bio questions...though I think he's simulataneous being flooded by enquiries from other JC friends...can't help feeling a bit of irony over seeing a poly bio student knowing better than the JC ones about our own syallabus...we must have been complacent.

Hope Ms Lee can help me with Electrochemistry and Periodic Table...I don't know where to start...admittably I had been 'slacking' during her class. Even recently, I had this dream whereby I dreamt of her telling me straightforwardly that I had been lazy and had an attitude problem. I regret not putting in effort, yet I was in my worse ever pessimistic state of psyche early this year, so I couldn't have done much back then, but now at least I should be able to if I know where I can start from.

...And there's also someone I'd always want to thank for bringing back the life in me....

Be reading the website I've been given about electrochemistry anyway. Later I will still have to revise the Argand details of complex numbers and Integration stuff and numerical methods and functions and vectors and AP GP and...blah blah, et cetera. Am so going to be dead if I don't....

And now I'm reading my old blog at http://www.xanga.com/shiny_jiggly I've always kept it secret from people I know in real life, but now it doesn't matter. Cos I'm striving to be me.

Getting a little restless yet getting a bit tired

I bet no one checks on my blog but I like it this way, anyway if you are here do drop a comment to say hi or something?

Been typing a lot for today, in reply to some of my classmate's angst against the council in our class forums. I'm not always a yes person like what some people make me out to be, I try to look at things from different perspectives. I admit, I have not been performing to the best of my abilities, in council and schoolwork, but I need to forgive myself for my problems to be able to move on to the next chapter in life. How I wish people, especially my Mum and Dad, won't be so judgemental on my flaws.

Just seeked help around to solve a maths equation that I have been stuck at for 2 hours. Mewie says she got it but I was preoccupied with the replying...have to ask her tomorrow when her school ends. I have the entire Thursday free! Yay for liberation day!

I'm not in Leeling's gang but it seems that she's going through a lot of stress at the moment in her life, especially as I read her blog. I wish I can do something yet I myself cannot open up easily, and I'm not that close to her. I can try to but it will look like some desperate attempt to be someone that isn't me. Besides, I cannot set an example to people, I'm facing a lot on my own as well. I wonder how she's faring now, and I'll try anyway when I have the chance to. God will provide me the opportunity to if he deems me to be worthy of it. I wish she knew that she's not the only one with the stress, I have my problems with my brother who is constantly threatening me in all sorts of ways to get whatever he wants. I even have to deal with him when he threatened with a pair of scissors in hand, threatening to cut off my tongue when I was just giving him a piece of my mind. So childish, you might say, but still I'm very much defenseless against him in terms of physical strength. Girls ought to learn how to defend themselves, but for now, I have to lie low. I hate using physical force to deal with people, but he'll regret it if he dares to continue because I can fight back using other ways to deter him, although its not good to bruise a guy's ego. I prefer peace, compromise and understanding more than anything else in a crusade to protect one's rights. Yet there is still the need to fight or you will lose out ultimately. No one can protect me for good except for my ownself. Such of my thoughts mirror that of the character Eirika in a Fire Emblem game, who is like me somewhat in personality.

I sometimes wonder if I'm still very much a child in thought and whether if this is not a good thing at all. I have been sheltered for most of my early years in life, taking a passive role among people is what I have been all along. Among one of the few chances I could give to others was when I joined SC, yet everyone is coming with crazy comments about SC being crap, doing things for their own agenda...Have I been fooled in any way?

Thinking about God, does he exist? Everyone has been asking this question all along and seeking for the truth. Along the possible answers is "blind faith", "faith without questioning", "hidden power within oneself, since we are made in the image of God", "God a manisfestation of the great good", etc. Who knows for certain if he exists but those who had direct contact with him? And I was also told, we humans are full of ourselves that we choose not to listen to God. Who is correct and who is not?

It doesn't matter anyway. I choose to believe in the existence of a God because I feel that we all need someone to care for us. I pray to him every now and then, even though I am somewhat of a free-thinker, one without a true religion to follow. Even if he doesn't technically exist, we made it so through our faith. The human mind can be so powerful to manifest thoughts to move the world. Among my beliefs, I also choose to believe in kindness and understanding. I wonder if that is what made me think I'm childlike...I have always associated it to be a quality of the gullible, the weak...So has many literature texts, one of such being my O level text, Susan Hill's "King of the Castle"...It's sad that Charles, even with his humane qualities of nature-respecting, valuing life, he did not make it through Edmund's psychological torture.

And we have Darwin's theory to contend with, the strong will triumph over the weaker species. I hope Lemarkism might be a hope out of this, because unlike other species, humans are of a higher intellectual level, and we can and have the potential to improve ourselves. We normal beings use 10% of our brain, Einstein was said to use about 20%.

The only thing I can say is that this world isn't perfect. But since we are living in it, no choice out. I'll enjoy it for the way it is.

Had better go continue with my Maths revision, been here at the computer for way too long. But its worth it anyway.

Random

TPJC.net not working at the moment - -;;
Got this from Alison's blog as I read it just now.

You Are The Hanging Man

You represent the seeking of enlightenment and spiritual clarity. You tend to confuse others, but your oddities seem deeply satisfying. Self sacrifice is easy for you, especially if it makes you a better person in the end. You are the type of person who is very in touch with your soul and inner spirit. Your fortune: Right now is a good time for reflection and meditation. You should stop resisting the problems in your life, and let yourself be vulnerable to them. You may need to sacrifice something important to you to move ahead in your life. Accept your destiny with courage, and learn to let go of what you think you need.

What Tarot Card Are You?

I'm never alone...

I pretended to sleep in front of her. Yet, I know it is wrong. I forgot to bring the assignment to guide me along, and I have been as lost as a sheep for ages already. I guess next lesson I will get my NMR Spect worksheet ready.

Currently being stuck outside of school, have to go back in a while more. It can get lonely at times, I guess I'm not fated to have friends who I can go along with. Yet, I see friends around most of the time, today during PE lesson I met one of my fellow AHS friends too, so I'm never really alone, even though I usually walk around doing stuff on my own. We'll make it a point to go back to AHS during Teacher's Day or any events, and maybe I will also find Twiggy and Mew too and introduce her to them, after all, we are ex-AHS people. Terra looks out for me at times when she's free and near school. And Jigglyn-jie and I do sms and talk over the phone when we are bored to no end in our lives.

What's Terra up to, I do not know, but she's really good at compiling notes for her subjects to study. Smart way to go, I ought to learn from her. Gonna photocopy my notes to let her compile notes too. I hope Terra is not up to something evil, but I guess I can trust her on this one.

My friend has a split personality, which she uses to her advantage to keep the negativities of being lonely away. Humans are naturally social creatures, after all, even if she chose to be anti-social, there is a longing for company present in her. I don't really hang out with her out of pity or empathy, I regard her as a friend, but whenever I observe her I cannot help thinking that I should treasure my friendships even more. Now I'm learning to distract myself from fearing school. It's been getting better, I miss less of school as my headaches don't come often nowadays.

---

Guildwise, more people have been voting Blitz out from rejoining us. I have to admit that I would very much like him to rejoin due to a few reasons, even though some of his past actions may be wrong:

1) He created the forums and added in most of the structure
2) He's smart (He's from RI)
3) There is not much for me to fault on his attitude - he willingly gave up his admin status to have a chance to rejoin us. Definitely not a snob.
4) He does not hold grudges - he says that even if we do not accept him back he will be alright with the decision
5) Simply, he is a friend

Since 8 votes of no is against 1 vote of yes, I guess he'd not be fated to rejoin.

---

Mew's B-day is coming, time to find present for her liao...

^_^

I love Terra =D She just drew me a Jigglypuff-cum-Purine picture. And it's sooooooo cute =3

I find that I tend to be myself when I am with my really really close or like-minded friends. It's like I can act as me, someone who's quite clueless at times, or someone who can laugh like crazy over little things. As I took the bus back home a second time from TPJC, I can't help feeling a bit bottled up in the presence of my schoolmates, even when I'm in home clothing.

Terra would not be your ordinary girl. She shares the same birthdate with me and some similar personality traits too. And she loves miaow-ing. I don't get irritated but I do get perplexed by it. She does seem to enjoy the results.

Terra keeps claiming that she likes evil characters, and likes the dark side perhaps, but I don't see anything evil about her. She's nice, really, and it's genuine. I cannot say the same for others, maybe I don't know them enough, or I feel immediate unease in their company.

I've been told I need to forget about my past to move forward. Good god, give me the strength to do so.

Hmm...been wondering, is God perfect? Sounds blasphemous, but it's good to question right?

Sigh no 2

I don't know if it would be better for me to be like a woodblock, totally devoid of opinions. Something or someone seem to pick on you all the time. Especially Erim, who will never let go of the computer even for very important stuff until he wants to. But Erim helped me get my cheery mood back by telling me about something that I have overlooked while I was all concentrated on why I tend to attract a lot of negative attention and getting all depressed because of my past.
Anyway, just shot a msg to someone. I dunno what the person will think about it. If the person still reserve those thoughts about me, then I'll do as Erim has just told me, just take it as a joke, and live on.

---
I cannot help that some people love to gossip. How careful can one get? Maybe I think too much lah..crap..What's so great about me?
Wait, am I trying to degrade myself?
Life is just such a paradox at times.

Sigh...

I don't realise that I can be extremely annoying at times...
But I think it is better that I know that than to be kept in the dark.

It's not that I'm too sensitive or introverted, but I am aware of stuff around me even if I look blur. The truth sometimes can really hurt. People usually say well of you but there is always the other side of things that you don't know about.

Sometimes I wish I can fly away. Or blend into the background to quietly observe the likes of others, because I simply won't fit in.

Update?

It's been a really long time since I posted.

Been into Maplestory for quite a bit, now that I'm a level 70 Priest, am taking a break from the training to catch up on studies and life issues, and also partly because of recent events such as Council LTC and SC Investiture 2006. Time for us J2s to take a backseat and concentrate for the A levels.

Hope everyone will still be together sometimes even though we won't be working together as council from now on. If I had to do it all over again, I wish I had trusted more and opened up from the start. It's tough to find a bunch of caring people, and I hope it's for real.
It's been rather rough for the past few days, with tempers fraying, nerves stressed out over the rehearsals, and eyes welled with grief as we begun to accept that 20th council will be "dissolved"...Finally though, it is over and forever in our memories.
I can still vividly remember the past days when we were freshly elected and went through the council camp. Just deleted a rather unique yet embarassing blog after not being able to find a way to lock it up with password. I guess some things that I have done can be kept inside of me. But one thing, if I had to do it all over again, I wish I had trusted more and opened up from the start.

I believe that the 21st council will soar and continue bringing important changes to TPJC. Had a wonderful time with them during the camp, and am happy to have interacted with one of the groups during orienteering.

----

Gotta start writing the GP essay.
One last thing, here's my character ---->

To heck with when the next update is coming (^_~)