Stressed

I feel like shutting myself out from the world. Stressed over things that are beyond anyone's control.

Not that no one understands, but it is truly difficult to get any help for things.

Time will heal all wounds. I just need the space.

Conceited-ness or ?

Well, was mulling over a bit of a conversation today about a display of certain kinds of attitude on personal blogs.

I wonder if it is the blogger or the supporters/haters to be pitied or to be hated.

Come to think of it, I do find it a little tad bit embarassing that I'm putting forth my thoughts on my blog like this. However, it is harmless, right people?

Maybe it is the kind of "conservative-ness" that Singapore has that prevents the majority of us from showing out our affections too openly. I prefer to think of it as being polite though.

Mushroom is coming down. Blog later.

The Road to Coming to Terms: Part I

I guess I am extremely lucky to have Plan B still. I am also heartened by the encouragement from friends. Those who know me, told me to stick to Plan B. Though who don't really, told me to go for Plan A appeal. (I get the best of both worlds huh? Nice. Thanks people!)

I love the irony somewhat, because if everyone told me to go for Plan B, I would feel like crap, and if everyone told me to go for Plan A, I would be quite worried about not being realistic.

How on earth do you expect to balance everything easily without a piece of each other? With something else? Might work, but it depends huh? There's some sort of balance in everything.

Things will work out somehow.

Didn't make it

Just sent in the appeal, which is going to be the final attempt. I am slightly distressed over this matter, because it feels that fate has once again been making a big mistake. I'm really going to pray hard for things to go right and back to track.

I am fed up with being tossed a letter like that. Come on, who wouldn't be? It's sickening. Now it is raining. On results day, the sky pelted rain down to earth. Yes rainy days are my favourite weather, but can't we just have a good sunny day for anything?

It is such decisions that sometimes make life so difficult. "Difficult decision". Ha. "Record number", come on, so there are no extension of spaces? I'm also mightily surprised that those people getting D7 grades for GP are also having trouble getting a place in University at this point of time.

I'm just one damn unlucky and badly screwed individual. Where is my golden pot of luck?

Boredom reigns in

I am bored.
No news is horrible news.
Life ticks by slower than ever.

Oh yea, now I also realised that appeals start in 2 days time.
With no news, I can do nothing about it.
Sheez.

No news = terrible news

Well...I really don't know what to make of it, but it has been already 8 days since those (first and only batch of) JC letters got out.

All the JC people get either acceptance letter(s) for something(s) or no letter so far, I think.

I haven't got any letter yet. There's nothing to be proud of, because this feels like bad news in either of a few ways.

1) I'm placed on the "outright rejected" list due to grades.
2) I'm place on the "outright rejected" list due to a badly-presented portfolio, a lack of potential in their opinion, or a vision they do not share.
3) I am on a waiting list, but there are clashes to disallow/allow me in...
4) I am on a waiting list, since places are filled. (Sigh to be considered for the leftover space...anything...)
5) They haven't processed my damn portfolio yet because I sent it in on the last day. (Very likely because Mew also hasn't gotten any news from them yet)
6) My CD was corrupted/lost/broken/mishandled. (But I sent in 3 CDs o_O)

I feel rather ignored. I called NTU admission people up, all they would say that merit (of results) plays no role in whether your application gets processed first or not. The person also said that results are released in batches, and all letters would be sent out by end of this month.

All I can think of is that the further this drags on, the slimmer the chances would be for anyone else (including me) to get in, unless they expand their spaces this year. Is that even possible? Possibly, since there was one last batch. Yet, would such a place be able to handle the increasing student load to allow for such?

I have this feeling that placement of choices play a role to some certain extent this year. Heard someone with AAB C6 got rejected for NTU Biz...but that was Jigglyn's grade...I am guessing that maybe her past CCA (Entrepreneurship club I think) helped somewhat.

Yet, I placed the first 3 choices for that certain school, and still no news? This doesn't bode well.

Ok, even of this stupid letter stuff. I feel overwhelmed. I should make a story of it one day. Anyway, revision is going fine. Gotta brush up on everything.

Blogger is being a moron

Seriously, the whole posting template and the dashboard is screwed.

I am thinking of migration to Livejournal but I really liked the customisation features of Blogger when it was fine.

Now when are they going to fix it? It has been 3 good days already! I swear I am not the only one, though Mew doesn't seem to have this problem, and Mushy's Blog seems not as badly affected as mine (Though it was clear there was something screwed up on his page).

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It is Monday already and there is no email/letter yet. I feel pretty anxious somewhat. I mean, yes, my grades sucks, the portfolio I submitted in is not quite of standard, but I did put in my potential in it.

Or is it because I screwed up my faculty test story?

Oh well. Guessing never really helps me very much anyway, unless I am on the right track.

I really don't know. One side of me wants to be in it, the other side thinks I am not ready. But hey, come to think of it, I never had been ready for so many things, but I still got through them ok. Also, I never really realised it until a latest outing, when I suddenly realised how fast time goes that we are just a few years to not being a teenager anymore. The thought of it scares me somewhat - in addition to the notion of how precious time is and how we need to grasp it to do the things we need to do.

For some people, this means perfection towards being an all-rounded. For me, I've been advised by a lot of people, as well as my higher self, to go with what I feel I need to do.

Ah, the angst of growing up. Some of us do mature faster and go with the flow, or even faster than normal, but some of us, I guess our souls feel pretty young compared to the time we have gone through.

Things will work out though. I'd be interested in seeing how they will.

New CG Artwork!

And so, after the drought AKA drawing/artist block, I am back at it again! My first CG artwork in 1-2 months!

It is actually an experimental artwork done on Artrage, some painting canvas software that Yanying introduced. It has a simple, no-nonsense, user-friendly interface. I did use quite a lot of (Ctrl + Z), but there was absolutely no dropper, had to find the right colours whenever I felt like adding on.

Think I should practice more to be precise huh? The real medium doesn't really offer the luxury of trial-and-error unless you aren't painting a serious artwork.

Still, digital can never make it up for the art of mixing up the colours to find the right blend for your work.And to leave your artwork out to dry is not possible with digital.Now is that a pro or a con? oO

I like the colours I used, though I know the artwork is kind of sucky. Drawn from idealism. I really need to study more on faces and people to get better. I know not everyone has such fair skin and smooth features like that.

But I also have my Bio/Chem/Maths studies to handle at the moment!!! X_x I am in serious need of focus, but I'm torn.

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Twiggy got into NTU Mathematical Sciences! I am happy for her. Well, know she wanted business but at least now she secured a place there.

Jigglyn got into NTU Business also well, though she wanted Accountancy.

HappySad got into NTU Computing, though I think she wanted Accountancy, although it is beyond reach.

Sometimes, I wonder why people aim so high, yet am I not doing the same?

Actually, I am no longer interested in aiming so high when my interest is not in there. It's just like looking at a Chemistry TYS and feeling totally unmotivated to pick apart and solve the questions in it. That's what I am feeling right now, but I am still struggling. I know my problem is with the irrelevance of Chemistry to myself but I will try hard to wipe off this conditioning within.

I so wish that I could escape though. All this time I never felt that I had the opportunity to apply my knowledge to good use. Or at the very least enjoy what I am doing. It used to be so in the early years, but not so now.

There is no regret on the path I had taken in any case, because I have a feeling the education system would have killed off my interest in art/writing/music long ago.I hope that I could be guided to the right path. I know what I want although the future is clouded in uncertainty, but I know I have the guts and am willing to walk the way through.

Guessing on Letters

Actually, my guesses on letters have been wrong so far.
For me, it is that letter, or no letter.
Both wrong. Nice.

I always get letters even when I least expect them. I get bills, notications, mailers, Times Magazine, etc...
Or even spam e-mail...
But none of that letter I've been waiting for.

I think I won't even receive it.
But I know that I will be wrong.

So what if it is a guess that it would be a rejection letter?

*Silence from the world*

Prayers half-answered

Seems like there is really no hope for me to get into that course this year.

I have no letter, no e-mail, and the Joint Acceptance page is still barring me from entry.

The first batch (and probably the last) of JC acceptants have just gotten their tea party e-mails/letters and also a blank slot on the Joint Acceptance page.

Actually, not surprising since their grades are so much better. While they are somewhere 75% to the top, I'm just right at the bottom of the earth (short of failure to entry to hell). I wonder if Mew has gotten hers. Her grades are around the same as these guys.

I am feeling a little resentful, but I guess I can't be complaining eh? That's because I simply do not have the right to.

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Anyway, been to Polyclinic, and back.

I went through 2 doctors today just because I felt that the first seems too nonchalant in her attitude to give me a referral letter straight. Come on, a earblock and you ask me to see a specialist which is going to charge between $50-70 at one sitting??

I am also concerned because this is not the first time they referred me. Recently, they referred me for a menstrual problem, but the referral in that case was warranted for.

Heck, I should have just went to the clinic at Tampines to get a better diagnosis than this! I could have cleaned my ear out too like the last time round, and it'll definitely be less than what the specialist charges.

I think these doctors are too casual with their profession. They just think, "oh, diagnose and ok my job is done to clear out the queue". They don't really emphasize with your concern. This is especially true with the 1st doctor. I can sense out if a person is genuine or not. There's something called "body language" and "voice", things that shows your inner emotions and are not easy to hide.

I actually cried because I felt that I was being wronged for once. My inner voice told me I didn't deserve this referral at all. I decided to seek a second opinion from mom.

Mom suggested to see a certain doctor. I was pretty hot-headed for a while, but I kind of calmed down and decided to listen to her. I am glad I did, and am also glad that she decided to come along with me.

We were right, the 2nd doctor was more precise and actually gave a better diagnosis. Not only because it was more hopeful, it was more accurate and contrary to what the 1st doctor said, the polyclinic actually had the expertise to treat blocked ears! The only thing was, which doctor could do it!

I am keeping a mental note that the doctors located at a certain side, as well as that 2nd one, would be more trustworthy than the general rooms.

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I feel so much better now, letter or not. My ears are definitely going to get better again! That's the definition to happiness for me today!

I guess what's important is to do what I should be doing right now. I need to clear off the junk of overdue mathematical assignments that I imposed on myself. That is, after I clear off my housechores at home, and collect mail from the mailbox later.

I know that today, I will not get a letter.

Tata for now.

Ear block

Arggh my right ear is blocked!
Actually, yesterday I went to Polyclinic, but whoa...the whole place is full house and the waiting time on average is estimate of 3 hours or more...
So I went and buy ear drops. But the ear drops aren't really effective so I think I'll go to the Polyclinic tomorrow. Think I'll need the oral medication for the ear infection too.

But I just cannot stand it. I have to wait for more than 2 days for my ear to be back to normal again.

Anyway, the Joint Acceptance website is just crap. I just cannot get into it with my NTU details. Nah, I'm kidding, it's just that the NTU people haven't accepted me in yet. Or it means...rejection letter.

And I just cannot stand it. Because, I hate to wait for soooo long.

Fed up with parents again

Ok, it is true that I cannot rely on them anymore.

I am feeling a little resentful for it but well...I'm already close to the age where I would be considered a grown up.

But why so fast? I don't even feel ready for it.

Actually, I trust my maternal grandparents and extended family who I have lived with in my childhood years more, but they also have their limits to how they can help. All I have is moral support every moment they are with me, which is definitely not the case with my parents.

You see, when I decided to retake, they said very clearly that I do not need to find a job and would just need to focus on the retake itself. Money is not a problem.

And then, now, with the phone bills, they now say that I have to pay for it, so that I would cut down on usage. But come on, the bill is at the minimum for that basic plan! Are you suggesting that I don't use my mobile phone anymore? That's insane!

Come on, what kind of message are you trying to get across here, you confused bunch of clowns I must say? Money not a problem and you want me to pay for the bills? This is actually ok but my problem is that you haven't even made it clear from the start! The worse part being that you kept the earlier bill from me and now I have 2 bills to pay at one go?!?

That is the only thing I really really really detest about my parents. Never giving a clear message and leaving you to do what you want to do.

I feel that it is a basic rule that as a person, you must make your stand clear from the start. If not, you have to acknowlege your mistake, and make known the reason why so, as means of engaging a point of understanding with the other party.

They actually flouted this rule. I am rather disappointed in them for that. The issue is not about me being not flexible, but in you people being too flexible about the things you say.

Looks like my decision to take on a job previously was right for this once. At least I have the funds to pay off the bills.

But I'll soon be back at square 1 when it comes to saving up for extra expenses for university. This is also considering that I'm working to have funds to stop seeking for pocket money from my parents for the time being until the retaking is over and I can find a job again, or in the event that I really do go to University.

With the new job offer, I guess I would be at least further secured for now. Better learn to juggle work and studies now than later huh?

See, I'm such a thoughtful person but the gesture of thoughtfulness doesn't quite pay off well with my own family. And they aren't even a single bit thoughtful at all. Who knows if later they would say that I have to pay for my University funds on my own? Earlier on, they said they would fund my University education, but do words really come and go with the wind? I really won't dismiss this possibility. Pray hard it won't be though.

Sigh.

However, as much as they don't like to admit it (in fact, they keep denying it), they have a lot of self-pride and face to keep, more so than I do. If they really retract that decision, I will make sure that word goes out about it to my relatives and their friends. That is, unless they are in deep financial shit, then I do understand, and they'd better not fake it out or keep it from from me.

Given the chance and opportunity, I would rather rely on myself. I will work hard and then apply for a scholarship next year.

And now, they just suddenly say "I want to use the PC, bunk off." At least mushy is much more polite to give me at least 15 minutes of notice.

...

May Day!

Finally, it's May! Omgoodgosh I am running less and less of time towards retaking of A levels!

Anyway, I have a spare 2 weeks after the temp job last month, which I am really happy for. Now I have to just grab this time to brush up on all of the remaining weak concepts and I'm done.

I'm mightily worried about practical but I think those will come naturally to me. No point using SPA grades since those would really suck. I mean it.

The letter is still nowhere in sight. No news is good news, eh? Well, I am really really praying hard that the acceptance letter might come, but I'm praying harder to be led towards the right direction in my life. Actually, I don't really care about going to University. I just want to go for what I should be doing. This is more important than the glory of going to University. My heart says, that is the right place, however, God knows if I am correct or wrong better than I do. In other words, at this moment, I trust my feelings, but feelings are not forever.

From what I know though, my feelings are often right, especially when they are in sync with my thoughts. This one is.