New Year, New Beginnings

Happy 2007 everyone!

I managed to quit my job. Intent on getting a good rest for the month of January, I tried to set my mind at ease.

I like the money I got from my previous job but I guess some things are just more important. It is possible that I will never get such a long break ever again in my life. Besides, I'm 18 now, we don't know what is going to happen in the future. Whatever or whoever is here now might not be around later in the same form.

Perhaps my Dad is just a little resentful that I'm young and still ignorant of the workings of the world (which I admit is true, but I never really want to work in the corporate world, unless I'm needed and can manage to, when I grow up). After this month, I will get another job, but definitely not the kind that I was working as. It wasn't my cup of tea, it being repetitive, predictable as well as never-ending. I wanted something more of a challenge, yet with stability.

The only thing I'm not very happy with is that my parents don't understand me. They probably won't ever. They think the computer is the cause of it, as always. Sure, they can take away the computer and stuff. It's not going to change my intention to have a break this month.

I can do lots of stuff even without the computer. I have my new Japanese-English-Japanese Dictionary, Jay Chou ????? CD (my brother and I liked a couple of the songs so I got it ^_^), erhu and piano scores to use. I can also visit my grandma or go out with my cousin. Need to go for a dental checkup. I'm probably starting some work on a story for fun too. I just kind of designed a character, but the storyline is still kind of vague. I need to find a book that I have lost for a few years for some important information. My brother said he read it a few weeks ago in his room.

I guess one of the reasons why I chose to quit gaming is to detach myself emotionally from the computer. Too many people in my life have been trying to blackmail and upset me with trying to take it away from me. Even if I wanted to return to Maple, I can't because the computer restarts for no reason when I login. Might be because of Hamachi or Zion, but I'm not sure. I returned to AuROSE to help with bug finding, not going to hardcore level, but I guess if anything happens I may have to let go.

I sometimes wonder if I should change the way I am. I'm still a little resentful of the way I was brought up. I don't have many friends and I'm not very sociable. I'm way too self-centred at times, enjoying attention from people. I can be very quiet, shy and afraid. I'm female but somewhat not too feminine. I'm straight but just not the kind of girl who puts on makeup and dress gorgeously. I'm also the kind of person who keep a lot of thoughts to herself inside, speaks very little in groups, but can manage a conversion with another person. I can hardly crap too. I probably showed very little sense of self-identity, whenever people asked me what songs or which singer I liked, I never knew what to say. Or when I played on the school piano my examination piece, people asked me to play a more commonly known song, a request that I could never fulfill. I liked computer, games and manga, though I never really had much to spend, as well as the environment (my parents were dead against them), to indulge in them greatly. It was only on the internet where I dared to reveal my noisy innerself, but I have absolutely no idea how to show it in person.

Some people think that I come from a well-to-do family, but that's not true. In many sense, I'm probably much more poorer than others because my parents are kind of stingy. Branded goods are out unless I can produce a real reason on why I needed it. Partly, it could be my fault that I have poor taste of clothes. I never really asked for much from my parents, and they got used to it. There is also a generation gap of tastes, which is quite common for children of today with their parents I guess. I wasn't allowed to hang out with friends or roam around alone when I was much younger, so I usually go home straight after school. I was rather obedient when I was younger, but I lost my freedom to express myself.

I really don't know what I want to be in the future. I get the questions "What do you want to work as?" and "What do you want to study in University?" all the time. I don't have a definite answer. A while ago, it was Psychology, but Eil and a few others say that it is a broad field to specialise in and one has to be aware of which course to take. One who takes Psychology may not necessarily specialise in it, as proof in my previous workplace I heard some of the people there hold Psychology degrees, and their work wasn't even directly linked to it! Thinking back on something I was asked by a friend, my answer to her would be that it would be nice to be able to choose not to work, yet not be attached to any strings by it.

And so, I have decided, this break will be for finding me as well as the direction I will be taking.